There is so much that I don't even know where to begin unpacking. Each day is a learning experience. Every time I have met with someone to share about the ministry, I come out of the conversation with a different perspective. This process is shaping me in ways I did not expect - and I have always tried to be prepared for the unexpected.
I have flaws
I'll begin with the honest reflection I have been doing lately. The way I reflect on my character weaknesses is often a stumbling block in itself. I have always held myself to a high standard and I have always enacted harsh mental rebuking on myself whenever I falter. I make a mountain out of a molehill, to resurrect an old cliche I remember. So to be led by God to expose a couple of these wounds is something I'm not usually excited to do because of the fear of my own rebuking.
And many of you thought I was such a nice guy. I usually am, but I guess we can all be our own worst critic. Oops, there goes another cliche. So here are a couple areas God is working on.
Discipline
With college, I had a structure to keep me accountable. If I didn't feel like turning a paper in when it was due, there would be serious consequences. If I slept in through too many classes or didn't go into work, someone would usually notice eventually or it would show up on my grades. Basically, managing my schedule was a different story than it is today. Now, my schedule is my own and I have to create structure out of very little. I'm learning what my big distractions are and I'm learning that the Satan's secret weapon is that very distraction. The easiest way to get us out of the game is to get us to forget about the game. What game? I'm just some kid trying to get money so he can hang out with college students and be a good influence.
If that is my attitude then I will never get back to campus. I have to realistically understand that there is a spiritual battle going on here. There is much more at stake than whether students have a good group of friends here. If our gospel has amounted to just "a good message" then we lose our urgency, and our motivation and discipline is soon to follow.
So he is showing me a lot about the importance of maintaining that attitude - understanding that meeting with people is about furthering the kingdom. This is not just a good thing, but the path that my God has chosen for me to take. It is of uttermost importance and my daily actions and efforts absolutely must reflect that.
Patience
Honestly, the way that God is teaching me patience is by having me drive around in Springfield traffic seven days a week. In Columbia, I got away with a bike for two years because of proximity to campus. But driving in traffic and keeping my cool is a definite patience test in which I have failed more than a few times. Working with a computer on which I am now pretty dependent that is a few years old is another test. Seeing the Tigers lose to Oklahoma State and Texas requires patience. Communicating with Aimee while she's been in Honduras has been challenging. My own transitioning into the support raising journey requires that I am patient with myself. Every day I am learning this trait.
Patience and self-control are difficult to learn at the same time. Yet, these are just two areas God is helping me to grow in lately. I am so grateful for the meals, the cups of coffee, the times in your homes, even the 30-minute short conversations I have had with all of you. Thank you for your support, your encouragement, your wisdom, your questions, challenges and prayers. I know now more than ever that this is going to be quite the journey but that this is all part of the process.
And what a ride it's been so far.
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